Churchgirlgonegay’s Blog

{June 21, 2009}   out at church?

Since I’ve lived in NYC, I’ve attended a few churches. I did the standard church hopping thing in the beginning and then initially settled at forefront church ( It was a new church at the time and I liked the sermons and the worship band was on point (although I felt like people weren’t really letting go when expressing themselves during worship). I didn’t feel too connected there after a while and then started going to a vineyard church in the village for a while. I had some friends from college that attended this church (The River). The Sunday sermons were so-so and the worship was eh sometimes (being a former worship leader, sometimes I can be critical or I just can stop getting bothered by little things that other people might not even notice). I went to one of the small groups once or twice. I did enjoy them but found it difficult at the time to be consistent. I did get to know one of the small group leaders a little better. I was going to The River around the time I came out and started dating my now ex-girlfriend. When we finally broke up, I met up with said small group leader and, although she’s a cool chick, I felt either judged or that she didn’t really know how to talk to me when I came out to her and told her about my recent breakup. I don’t blame her – but at the same time I didn’t feel comfortable going back.

At this point (after my bad breakup with my crazy Latina ex-girlfriend) I felt like what I wanted was to get lost in a church. I didn’t want anyone greeting me or talking to me. I didn’t want anyone to notice if I was there or not. I wanted to feel anonymous and to go to God’s feet where it’s just me and Him. Also, growing up as a pastor’s daughter, I never got that feeling of anonymity in church. I found myself going to Brooklyn Tabernacle. It was just what a needed. A mega-church where I would only recognize the pastors every week and no one would recognize me. The worship was AMAZING and I felt His presence every time I went. Pastor Cymbala’s sermons were also exactly what I needed. Straight and to the point and based on the Word. I would go as often as I could on Sundays and fall in love with Jesus again each week. It was just me and Him – just what I wanted and needed.

So after 3 years at BK Tab, I’ve recently started missing a church community. I miss going to church and seeing people I knew. I miss the fellowship. I think I needed that one-on-one time with just me and God while at BK Tab to reconcile my gayness and my relationship with God. So today I went back where I started – Forefront Church. They changed locations (like a block away). Pastor Brian has a bit of a tummy now. But the size of the church is good and the worship band is still on point (and it seems that people feel less inhibited in worshipping). I’m not sure if I’ll make this my home base, but I’m starting to wonder what I should do once I get more involved and get to know people. Should I tell people I have a girlfriend? How long should I wait if I do? For some reason, I get the feeling that people at this church won’t care. But you never know. And I definitely don’t want to repeat my awkward conversation that I had with the small group leader at The River.

I suppose only time will tell. I’ll keep ya posted tho ;). If it doesn’t work out, I’ll have to check out some specifically gay-friendly churches. If anyone can recommend any, that’d be great!


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