Churchgirlgonegay’s Blog

{July 24, 2010}   why do steps forward feel backward?

It’s been almost a year since my last post. Within that year, I’ve broken up with my girlfriend and moved back to the SF Bay Area only to meet my new and greatest love days before I left NYC. I summed up a whole crapload of drama in one sentence. But what I want to share about is the reason why I moved home (and thereby putting an entire country between myself and a burgeoning relationship). After 5 years in NYC, I felt like it was time to focus my energy on my parents. I’ve already talked about the first time I came out to my parents (3 yrs ago). It didn’t go so well. But I’ve also grown since then and am confident in who I am and where I want to be. I didn’t want to live in the closet anymore with my parents. All my close friends and some of my family knew about who I really am. I wanted my parents to be on the same page as well. So I packed up a truck and left my life in NYC to go back to SF and make it my home again.

After taking about a month to settle in, I knew it was time to have the talk with my parents again. I wanted to start with my mom. I caught her in a good moment – the cleaning ladies had just cleaned the house, my mom had just eaten lunch and taken a nap and dad was still asleep. She was sitting on the couch about to read and i came up to her. I said I wanted to talk and put my head in her lap and laid down next to her. I was pretty nervous about just bringing it up. She said I could talk about anything with her. So in short, I told her that I see myself with a woman, not a man. I spoke to her in a way that I was informing her – this wasn’t a debatable topic. What I really wanted to know was if I would be able to talk to her and dad about my life as a gay woman or if we would be like a typical Chinese family and not talk about issues that caused strife or conflict.

What came next wasn’t unexpected, but that doesn’t make it any less hurtful or scary. My mom told me that we used to be on the same path, but somewhere I’ve chosen a different path. Now that I’m on that different path, we would no longer be able to dialogue and we would always be in conflict. She said that she loves me unconditionally as her biological daughter but that I’m of a different spirit. In her opinion, which she says is God’s opinion, women can have deep connections with each other – deeper than with a man. But once that connection turns sexual, it becomes a “perversion” (I use quotations b/c that’s the exact word she used). And, in fact, any act of climax that isn’t between a man and a woman in a married context is a “perversion” (so basically anyone who is promiscuous, gay, or who masturbates – that’s a lot of perverts running around…).

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, my mom thinks that I’m “struggling with this particular issue” because she and my dad have been thrust into ministering to those with “sexual sins” and freeing them from their bondage to such sins as homosexuality. Meaning that I’m being attacked by the gay demons b/c those are the exact same ones my parents are fighting against. Additionally she mentioned something about the repercussions of my sins. And by that slight mention, I knew she was referring to what she had talked to me about years ago – that gay people get cancer (as a punishment for their sins). I asked her if that was what she was referring to. She said, well YOU didn’t get cancer – I did (last year she battled ovarian cancer – which also sparked my desire to return back home). She was basically implying that she got cancer again b/c of ME. She said that I’ve basically been protected all these years because she and my dad have been praying for me and my protection.

She also informed me that she and dad have not stopped praying for me (to be straight) and will not stop. It’s always been a comfort knowing that my parents pray for me everyday, but now, knowing that their prayers are specifically asking for me to not be myself, I’m not so comforted anymore.

So like I said before – not totally unexpected, but still very hard to hear. I came home to get my parents on the same page as me. Well, I suppose what I did accomplish was showing them what page I was on. I don’t know if we’ll ever be on the same page. But this brings up a new question: How can I live with someone who thinks I’m living in sin when I know in my heart and by what I’ve learned from the Bible that I’m not? Our perspectives are just too different. I would have to shift so many paradigms for them to see me for me and not some demon possessed child. My heart is heavy because I feel like I have no more home here. I feel like I’m losing my parents because I don’t have their support. I know I’ll always have their love – but how loved can I truly feel when they don’t accept me for who I am and think of me only as a biological daughter? People say: give them time, they’ll come around. Those people have never met my parents. I know in my heart that they’ll never come around.

So even though I moved forward and came out to my parents (again), I feel like I took a step back because they haven’t moved with me. Even though I JUST moved back to the Bay Area, I know it won’t be long until I have to leave again. I can’t think of a reason to stay. It’s time to move forward.


me says:

Ouch….sorry you have so much to deal with from your parents 😦

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