Churchgirlgonegay’s Blog

{October 28, 2010}   “It gets better”…I hope

I’ve been putting off this update for several reasons. A lot has been going on for the past 5 months, but mainly I’ve just been processing what has happened. I had another talk with both my parents after the talk I had with my mom that I wrote about in my last post. I knew that if I were to blog about this second, more intense talk, I would have cast my parents in a very negative light – and that’s not the point of this blog.

The first talk with my mom, even though difficult in subject matter, was at least calmly delivered and received. This second talk with both my parents was filled with tears, yelling, and desperation – primarily on my parents’ part. To sum up, these were the main points they made to me (in bullet point form b/c, if I had my way, I would write everything in bullet points):

-I am committing suicide b/c I’m on a path of destruction, on which if I continue, I will be out of God’s favor and die (ie. if I get sick, God won’t heal me). And if I die (or if Jesus comes back tomorrow), I will go to Hell b/c I’m one of the “unrighteous” and have lost my salvation (this is where they brought up specific Scripture). Additionally, I have had a “hard” life b/c I’ve “chosen” to be gay and this is why I’ve been laid off twice (b/c the economy has NOTHING to do with it and only sinners get laid off).

-My mom claimed she bore the brunt of my “punishment” by getting cancer, which apparently was meant for me. She also believes that the ovarian cancer was symbolic b/c it was the Enemy attacking their “seed” – meaning me.

– I have a demon in me and have grown calloused and have a hard heart. They stated that I have a different Gospel than them and a different God. But then they said that I’m making myself God (most likely meaning that I’m making my own rules).

– All homosexuals are narcissists (which I kind of laughed at b/c I believe EVERYONE is a narcissist). So, being a narcissistic homosexual, I am selfish. I don’t care about them. I put them on my lowest priority. I use them. They are disappointed in me. I hurt them like no one else has been able to hurt them. I have destroyed them.

They said a lot of hurtful things – which they emphasized was because they love me. Love was not quite what I felt when my mom stared at me with crazy eyes repeatedly demanding that I get on my knees and repent and to “BEG FOR MERCY!” Of course, I understand that she was desperate b/c they really believe that I am heading towards the fiery pits of Hell. However, I think the most hurtful thing was the last bullet point. It hurts me deeply to think that my parents don’t see that I love them and care for them above anyone else. I moved back to CA specifically for them and to share my life with them. After this talk, however, it was plain to me that staying with them was not an option.

When I informed them that I will move back to NY, they said if it was to be with my new girlfriend (whom they were aware of) then dad would resign from the church, they would sell the house, and they would move to NY. Sound familiar? The only way they would bless my return to NY was if I got a job there. Needless to say, I was online until 7:30 am looking for NY jobs.

The entire experience was emotionally draining and physically taxing. I had great anxiety and had trouble breathing at times. Had it not been for my friends, family (I was able to come out to more of my extended family and was blessed with their support), and my girlfriend at the time things would have been VERY bleak for me. They refueled and recharged me and loved me for who I am.

So now I’m out. There’s no confusion or vagueness. My parents know without a doubt that I am gay (and will stay that way – couldn’t resist a rhyme). As I mentioned before I came out to some extended family. I told a few more cousins and I told my uncle (who’s a blabber mouth and did me a favor and told the entire side of my mom’s family for me – but I love him for it). I still want to be sensitive to my parents and be careful with who at their church knows but in general, I am out and PROUD. Tim Gunn told me it gets better. I want to believe him.

However, the following months after that conversation have been difficult. I moved back to NY and felt like I didn’t really have a home to go back to anymore. My new love didn’t work out. Specifics of which I will not give. I took a risk. I loved and lost. But I wouldn’t change anything and I will always be grateful for whatever time that I did have with an amazing woman. It was a rough time and I got very depressed. But a hard couple of weeks/months is still just that – a couple of weeks/months. Out of the darkness, there is light – there is hope. I will pick myself up and focus on my rebirth – new job, new apartment, new goals. Will my parents come around? That’s not up to me and I can’t make that my life mission. But there is hope – that it gets better.


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