Churchgirlgonegay’s Blog

{July 26, 2012}   a mother’s response

my parents received my letter yesterday evening (EST) (the letter: is in my previous post) and my mom called me right as i sat down to eat dinner.  i’m not sure how long after reading the letter it was that she called but my guess is that it was within the hour.  

she started off the call with asking for forgiveness for hurting me.  she didn’t realize that they had been hurting me so deeply.  she then asked for us to have a mutual respect for each other’s convictions.  i read that as “agreeing to disagree.”  she said she would respect my convictions and would not try and change me (and, in turn, i would not try and change them).  this is definitely a step forward for us.  i think my mom wanted to go this route because she saw that staying on the same course would ruin whatever strained relationship we had left.  i give my mom a lot of credit for going in this direction.  it isn’t her considering to reconsider, but at least it’s her stopping her present behaviour.  

she made references to some things in the letter that seemed to irk her (ie. that she didn’t really have friends or peers anymore and that dad lied to me about his reasons for leaving the church) but she didn’t seem to want to get into those things too deeply.  at this point, i think she just doesn’t want to cause more waves.  i suppose we really are chinese, through and through.  

an interesting thing happened at the end of our conversation.  she told me i should call dad and talk with him.  i was surprised she said that because i had assumed he was right next to her.  when i asked if he was elsewhere, she said, “oh, he’s somewhere in the house.”  mind you, we don’t live in a mansion…it’s not like he was so far that a simple yell wouldn’t have brought him to wherever she was.  that’s when i realized that i was only talking to my mom – i wasn’t talking to my parents.  one great thing i’ve learned from my relationship with my partner is that we are individuals that make a great couple, but in the end, we are still individuals.  i am starting to really see that with my parents.  when i think back to my interactions with my parents in the past few years, my parents can say very different things when they are not together.  i’m starting to see that my mom may be a bit more open than my dad – not to villianize my dad, though.  he has his own process.  plus, my mom processes outloud and my dad is much more of an introvert.  who knows what he’s thinking. 

i told my mom that i would wait for dad to call/contact me.  i was the one who wrote the letter.  the ball is in his court.  hopefully, my next post will be “a father’s response.”  and hopefully it will be a step forward, rather than a painful step backwards. 


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