Churchgirlgonegay’s Blog











{January 21, 2015}   A Gaysian American pride testimony

Back on June 1, 2013, I gave my testimony at our amazing church in NYC: Church of the Village.  It was a pride testimony for pride month but also an Asian American testimony for Asian American month in May.  I have been wanting to put up my testimony on my blog.  If anything, it’s a good summary of what has happened in the past and if you want to go into more detail, you can read my older posts.

My Pride/Asian American testimony from June 1, 2013:

I grew up in the Bay Area and am an only child of two pastors.  My dad is the senior pastors of one of the largest Chinese churches in the Bay Area and my mom was a therapist.  When I was 15, my mom stopped working as a therapist and began working full time with my dad, partnering with him in ministry.  They run the church and its 7 congregations as well as an orphanage and school in China for special needs kids and they also teach inner healing and deliverance conferences internationally.

Growing up, I was the perfect Asian kid.  I got straight A’s (although to be fair, I had a B+ once in freshman yr French and was devastated).  I took classical piano lessons from age 5 to 17 and participated in countless recitals, certificates of merit, and other performances.  I was on the varsity basketball team.  I had a part time job.  I was involved with every other club in my high school and even started the first Asian club at my predominantly white high school.  Most importantly, I was on leadership at our church’s youth group from 7th grade until high school graduation.  I did all these things because I wanted to.  I never felt pressured to do them.  I was always motivated to do my best.  I knew that parents at our church would tell their kids to be like me.  I was a source of pride for my parents (and other parents at the church). I was never a cause for concern or worry for anyone, let alone my parents.

It wasn’t until I was 28 that I began to disappoint and shame my parents.  At 28, I first came out to my parents.  I say “first” because it didn’t take initially.  They shoved me back into the closet and said that if I didn’t pray and repent at that moment, then dad would have to resign from the church and they would sell the house in CA and move to NY to help me not be gay.

I’ve never disappointed my parents before.  And now, as a full-fledged, financially independent adult, I experienced what it was like to be the bad Asian kid – the bad Asian PK, no less!  I didn’t realize how much it would hurt to feel guilt and shame from my parents.  I heard a lot of painful things from my parents in their desperation to save my soul from eternal damnation.  Things like: “If Jesus comes back tomorrow, you’re going to hell.” Or “You’re committing suicide because if you get sick, God won’t heal you and you will die.”  And also, “Mom got ovarian cancer because of you.  Gay people all get cancer as punishment from God and mom took the bullet for you.”  Even though these things were hard to hear, they were not the most painful thing I heard from them.  The most painful by far was when my dad emailed me about my domestic partnership to my now wife.  He wrote, “Your greatest pride is my deepest shame;” me, the perfect Asian kid, causing my parents deep shame.  It was such a foreign concept to me because I had always brought them pride (and joy).  The worst thing for an Asian kid to do is to bring shame to his or her family.

Through the support of my friends and family and ironically, through my parents’ upbringing in teaching me to be a strong, independent woman, I have been able to look past the guilt and shame my parents projected onto me.  I have been able to see that I am a child of God who is also gay.  And I am loved by God and my community.

3 weeks ago, I married my wife and it was the best wedding I had ever been to!  Our guests told me that as well, but I think they’re just being nice!  My mother’s brother and his wife and my dad’s sister were the only aunts and uncles of mine to come.  My parents have a total of 13 siblings.  After the wedding, my cousin told me that my mom’s brother said to my dad’s sister: “Well, we’ve done it now!  We’ll be ostracized from the family for coming to this wedding!”  My dad’s sister responded simply, “It was worth it!”  Sticking to my guns and standing my ground against my parents’ pressure to be the perfect (heterosexual) Asian PK has not been easy, nor will it get any easier any time soon.  But I know, in my heart, that it will all be worth it.

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